An Impromptu Birthday Party
by Bassair
Summary: Ianto's homophobic family throw him an impromptu birthday party, which Jack unwittingly crashes. Jack/Ianto


**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Another humour piece written by me. Not the best I've ever written in my opinion, but I like to think it has its humorous qualities. Oh, and I'm tempted to use Nathan in another fanfiction some time. Let me know what you think.

**WARNING:** This contains slashy themes, mature content, threats of killing Jack just to shut him up, destruction of Ianto's coffee maker, a mild anti-catholic-religion subtext (only mild though, I don't really have a problem with the catholic religion, honest), a kid finding naughty things in Ianto's bedroom and Jack being hit with a purse. Don't like, don't read. :)

**DISCLAIMER:** No matter how many times I blow out birthday candles and wish or wish upon a star or pray to the God I don't believe in I still don't own Torchwood, Jack or Ianto. If I did there would be a lot more of the boys kissing in the show.

--

It was late when Ianto got home from work alone. It was the first time in weeks that Jack hadn't accompanied him back home and spent the night with him. It was strangely disconcerting returning home to an empty apartment as it all seemed so bare without Jack's jovial flirting and sexual harassment to liven things up.

"Ianto!" a male voice said behind him.

"Jack?" Ianto said, surprised, as he turned around.

But no, the man who had followed him to his front door was not his immortal captain; instead it was his brother, Sidney, closely followed by most of Ianto's family, each and every one of them looking as humourless and blank as Sidney. "Who's Jack?" he asked after a moment.

Ianto, shocked to see his entire family stood just outside his door, snapped his jaw back into place, swallowing compulsively. "Just ... a friend."

It wasn't that Ianto was ashamed of his relationship with Jack, in fact he was happy to tell the whole world about it, it was more that if he said Jack was his 'boyfriend' or 'lover' his mother, who was standing just behind Sidney, would probably have a stroke.

"Not got a hug for your older brother?" Sidney said, trying to seem friendly and failing. Ianto grimaced, embracing him quickly then pulling away to hug his mother and father.

"To what do I owe this ... pleasure?" Ianto asked, gesturing that his family should sit down in the living room just inside. He quietly counted the family members as they filed through. Mother, father, brothers, sister-in-laws, sisters, brother-in-laws, nephews, nieces, aunts, uncles, cousins. He couldn't help wondering why his entire family had randomly arrived, then he remembered the conversation he'd had the previous year in which he had expressed a desire to have a twenty-fifth birthday party with all the family.

"It's your birthday, of course!" his mother exclaimed, happily, pulling her son in for another hug. "So we thought we'd drop in and throw you an impromptu birthday bash!"

Ianto looked longingly at the bedroom. He'd planned on an early night ...

"Thank you, Mam," he said, feigning happiness as she thrust a present into his arms.

Approximately an hour and twenty-eight minutes later, Ianto was close to his mental snapping point. The family had dropped crumbs and food all over his floor, was playing loud music, had ransacked his bedroom for the kids to sleep in and, in a cruel twist of fate, had made their own coffee, altering his coffee maker in the process.

He had sat, patiently, in the corner the whole time, watching his suits being played with by his young nephews and nieces, right before they went to sleep in his room, and listening to his mother demanding to know if he'd met 'a nice girl' yet.

"No, mam," he said, for the fourth time in one hour. "I haven't got a girlfriend."

"Well, why not?" his mother complained.

For a moment Ianto considered replying 'Because I'm shagging my boss. His name's Jack. You'd like him.' But, his sanity quickly returning, he decided against it. "My work doesn't give me much time for a social life."

His mother bristled. "Well, in that case you should quit. I want you to give me grandchildren!"

Ianto cringed. "I'm not sure I want children, mam."

"Well get sure!" his mother snapped. "You're going to have kids and raise them as good little Catholics."

Ianto decided not to tell his mother that he hadn't been to church for a very, very long time and that even if he did have kids he wouldn't be raising them religiously. He glanced at the clock and leaned back in his chair, closing his eyes and willing the 'party' to be all some horrible nightmare.

"I could set you up with Patty's daughter ..." his mother said. "Lovely girl, she is, charming personality, even though her figure leaves much to be desired ..."

At that moment Ianto wished for an excuse to escape his mother and, miraculously, was given one. The doorbell rang.

If, however, Ianto could see the future, he would never have bothered opening the front door. Better the devil you know and all that.

Alas, Ianto did not know and, as such, he yelped, "I better get that!" and jumped to his feet, running to the front door and opening it.

"Jack!" Ianto exclaimed as the door opened to reveal the captain, in all his glory, stood there. Seconds later, before he could shove Jack into the corridor and tell him to go home, he was being pressed into the wall, Jack's mouth furiously plundering his own.

"I forgot your birthday," Jack muttered as he feverishly kissed around Ianto's ear and down his neck. "But I got you a present."

Ianto, his mind turned to mush by the power of Jack's kisses, moaned as Jack's mouth viciously attacked his own again and only regained his senses when he realised the whole room had gone silent – even the music had turned off. He wasn't quite sure how that was possible. Perhaps one of his uninvited guests had turned it off? His thoughts were rambling, he knew that, but he couldn't think straight with Jack's tongue in his mouth. With one determined shove, he pushed Jack away, panting. "Stop," he muttered.

"Who the hell are you? Get out of here this instant!" Ianto's mother exclaimed, running towards Jack and hitting him repeatedly with her purse.

"Ow!" Jack exclaimed. "Hey! Ow! Ianto!"

Ianto looked at his mother, sheepishly. "Stop hitting Jack, mam," he said, stepping between her and his lover.

"He was acting in an entirely inappropriate manner!" his mother accused.

Ianto restrained a laugh. It was ironic that his mother would accuse Jack of acting inappropriately the one time he actually _wasn't_ being inappropriate. Jack smirked at her. "I assume you are Mrs. Jones?" He extended his hand for her to shake, but she merely glared at him and slapped it away.

"Ianto, explain yourself immediately!"

"Yeah, Ianto, explain yourself," Jack said with a huge smirk.

Ianto glared at him. "Do I have to kill you to get you to shut up?" he muttered, making Jack laugh. "Mam, this Jack ... my ..." He wasn't sure what to say. Boss? Boyfriend? Lover?

"Boyfriend," Jack finished for him, with a small smile.

Looking over his mother's shoulder, Ianto couldn't help but notice that his sister was covering her children's ears (they had returned from the bedroom and Ianto had a horrible feeling he could see his tube of lube in little Nathan's hand) and his father had turned a delightful shade of puce.

"You're ... gay?" his father choked out.

"Not strictly," Ianto replied, awkwardly. "I like ... both."

"And you?" His father had rounded on Jack. "_You_ are gay?"

"Omnisexual, actually," Jack replied, with his trademark grin.

"You can never just say bisexual ..." Ianto muttered under his breath.

"Omnisexual?" his father asked, curiosity getting the better of him. "What's that?"

Ianto shot Jack a pleading look, which was ignored.

"I'll shag just about anything," Jack replied. Ianto watched over his mother's shoulder as his other sister actually fainted into her husband's arms. He promptly dropped her, busy watching the scene unfolding before him.

"I think we need coffee," Ianto said after a moment, eager to break the tension. "You. With me. Now," he said to Jack, sternly as he walked into the kitchen.

As if the night couldn't get any worse, Ianto discovered his niece stood by his coffee maker, one of the handles detached. She shot him a sheepish grin. Ianto stood, rigidly, just staring at her, wondering what more could happen that night. A glare from Ianto was all that was necessary to send the niece running from the room (but not before she threw the handle at the coffee maker, smashing the glass pot in the process).

"Uh ..." Jack looked at his lover sheepishly. "Happy Birthday, Ianto?" He held out a small, well-wrapped gift, which Ianto took and put down on the counter next to the remains of the coffee maker.

Letting out a sigh, Ianto sat down on a nearby stool and leant his head against the wall. "Want to hear something ironic?" he asked Jack, who nodded. "This is still the best birthday ever."

"Why?" Jack asked, pulling another stool across and placing it near Ianto's, sitting down and looking at his lover.

"Because you're here," Ianto replied, with a small smile. "Because you're here ..."

Jack smiled back at Ianto, leaning forward and wrapping his hand around the back of the Welshman's neck and pulling him in for an amazingly tender kiss, their mouths meeting with love rather than lust. "That wasn't how I anticipated meeting your parents," Jack admitted with a sly grin as he pulled back.

"I didn't anticipate you meeting my parents at all," Ianto admitted with a grimace. "My family are utter homophobes, as you probably noticed. My dad won't even hug his friends."

Jack laughed. "Sounds like a fun family."

Ianto shook his head. "Not really."

It seemed to Ianto that whenever he and Jack shared a truly tender, loving moment something happened. This time it was the kitchen door bursting open and his sister, Lucy, barging in to the kitchen, dragging Nathan along with her. Jack pulled back from Ianto, noticing Lucy's irate exterior, and they both stood up. A couple of seconds later she threw a tube at the men, which slammed into Ianto's head, momentarily knocking him off balance. Jack caught him before he could hit the ground and Lucy, in her infinite wisdom, covered her son's eyes.

"My son found _that_!" she exclaimed, gesturing at the tube which was lying on the ground. Ianto groaned when he realised his suspicions had been correct – his nephew _had_ gotten his hands on his tube of lube.

"Do you just leave the tools for your disgusting habits out on display, Ianto?" she snarled.

Ianto blinked. Last time he'd checked his lube (along with other ... things) was hidden beneath a secret panel inside his chest of drawers (just in case of a random apartment-inspection carried out by his mother) well out of reach of prying eyes. He was about to explain that to his irate sister when Jack cut in.

"With all due respect," he said, coldly, "this is Ianto's apartment, not yours, and it is his choice where he leaves his stuff. It's not like your children visit frequently or that you had given him prior warning." Ianto smiled gratefully at him.

His sister sniffed and walked out, leaving her son in the kitchen. Ianto turned to speak to Jack in time to notice his lover put his finger up to his ear as is listening to his earpiece. Gesturing at his ear, Jack left the room.

Ianto was about to follow suit when Nathan walked over to him, pulling two shiny metal items out of his pocket and holding them up. "Uncle Ianto? What are these?"

Ianto's eyes widened and he reached out, swiping the nipple clamps from Nathan's hands and walking out without another word.

Once back in the living room he leant against the wall, pocketing the clamps before his mother could see. The music was blaring again, probably in an attempt to distract everyone from what had just happened, and a few of the family were dancing nearby. Ianto couldn't help wondering why they were still there. It was his party, after all, hadn't they noticed he wasn't having fun and would much rather be spending the night with Jack?

Talking of Jack ...

At that moment the military-coat-clad man ran across to Ianto from the bathroom. "You up for a Weevil hunt?" he said with a grin, not caring that the music had died down. Most of the family would probably assume he was asking Ianto to have sex with him in code. If they'd been friends with Jack they would have known better – Jack asking Ianto to have sex with him was never in code, even in front of the Torchwood team. Ianto smiled as he remembered only a couple of days before.

"_Did you get those handcuffs for tonight, Ianto?" Jack asked, yelling across the hub. _

_Ianto blushed but replied nonetheless. "Yes, sir, I did."_

_Jack laughed. "Excellent! Your place?" Ianto nodded. "You have whipped cream, too, right?"_

"_We don't want to know about you and Ianto's sexual habits, Jack!" Owen yelled across the room, an anguished look on his face. "Please spare us!"_

At the time it had been mortifying, but now Ianto could look back at it fondly. If only because he had tortured Jack mercilessly the next day while everyone was out, leaving him chained in the hot house while he went to make coffee and spoke to Gwen on the phone. Ah, happy days.

"Always, sir," Ianto replied to Jack's previous question. "I'll just go and get changed."

He left the living room and headed into the bedroom to change into a t-shirt and jeans, his usual Weevil-hunting attire. His jaw dropped when he saw the state of his bedroom. Half his cupboards 

and drawers had been emptied out onto his bed. He wondered why his nieces and nephews would do such a thing. Then he remembered.

They were little horrors.

He emerged, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, from his bedroom a few minutes later, stopping by the kitchen for a drink before leaving with Jack. It was as he was drinking a glass of water that he remembered the gift Jack had brought him. He put down the glass and reached for the wrapped box, opening it almost gingerly and looking inside.

By the time he got into the living room again, Jack was looking impatient. "It could have killed half of Cardiff by now!" Jack complained.

"What could have?"

"The Weevil!"

Ianto smiled to himself as he pulled on his jacket, not even bothering to tell his family he was leaving as they headed out of the door and outside. When they reached the SUV and climbed inside, Ianto turned to Jack. "Thank you, by the way."

"What for?" Jack asked, genuinely confused.

"The replacement stopwatch. I've missed having one on me."

Jack grinned. "Well, it was my fault your old one is no longer useable."

Ianto nodded with a smile. "Shall we see if we can break this one, too?"

Jack smirked. "Definitely."


End file.
